The big crash...

Sunday was pretty good overall, but Monday came the big crash. No, this time it wasn't simply the "I'm a tad more nauseous than yesterday and kinda tired" sort of crash I had experienced in the first two rounds of chemo. Let's just say my digestive tract got pretty messed up, which -- how do I say this delicately??? -- turned the usual "stop" situation into more of a "go" than I would like. The whole thing was irritating in so many ways, especially since I think it was partially caused by a dose of reglan I took when simple eating didn't quell the nausea as it usually does. Of course, the added irritation from this new digestive issue made my nausea worse, and didn't let me sleep much. Ugh.

So here was my Monday: I have barely slept, my whole body hurts, I'm having trouble drinking enough (particularly given the suddenly summery temperatures), and I'm generally feeling not so great. Yes, I know I'm whining. Thank you for bearing with me, though. 

I suppose the whole chemo thing is finally catching up with me a bit more. Was I just too lucky to get away so easy at first? But it seems wrong, as I am three quarters done with the AC part of my chemo cocktail, and this is hitting me just now. Is it that it is the cumulative effect of all those meds in my body? 

Well, since my natural inquisitiveness has apparently returned, I take it as a good sign that my vitals are once again rebounding. I've managed to eat some stuff tonight (thank you, Starman, for stopping by with some nourishment!) and also drink some more (yay ginger ale!). The house is gradually cooling down from the day's heat thanks to a bunch of fans. And DH just gave my aching shoulders a nice, soothing rub. So I'm finally starting to relax a bit and feel better. Today may have been rough, but tomorrow will be another -- and hopefully better -- day. 

As I felt myself sliding into today's big crash, I thought about how oddly cancer affects the speed of life, the pace at which we experience things. One the one hand, having cancer has really slowed down time for me. It is not just that I measure the rhythm of my life in chemo cycles for right now. The time-slowing I have experienced goes far beyond that: For the first time in a very long time, I have allowed myself the luxury to read a bunch of novels; to just watch the flowers grow; to bask as the joy of the dog chasing after his ball; to admire the orderliness of the vegetable garden; to really smell the roses. At the same time, however, the chemo has radically sped up the pace at which my body ages -- and I can definitely feel it. Did someone hit my fast forward button??? Do me a favor, and just hit "play" again!

Thus I live in my own surreal little universe, somehow outside of the normal time-space continuum in which the rest of the world resides. Here, time simultaneously passes both faster and more slowly. And in the midst of it, I sit here typing this entry, mustering the courage to face another day, and another battle. For I know that this war against cancer is far from over, but I trust that in the end I shall prevail. 

Happy Fourth of July!

Happy birthday, America! It's the Fourth of July, and celebration is everywhere. To join in a bit, we took the doggie on a nice walk along the beach promenade this morning. Then we got in some more provision shopping, as we made a spur of the moment decision to throw some burgers on the grill tonight, after all. 

Given that the decadron is still keeping me from sleeping more than a few hours, I was pretty tired after that. So we went home, had a quiet lunch on the deck, followed by some much-needed deadheading and weeding. Not surprisingly, I needed a nap afterwards. To conserve energy, I spent the rest of the afternoon resting or napping, reading or watching documentaries. In the meantime, DH got some more energy (after his own nap, I believe...) and mowed the lawn. It looks really nice again now, that the grass doesn't come up to the doggie's elbows any more. 

Then DH came and woke me up to show off his handy cutting work, and to gently convince me to get dinner going. Well, after I finally roused myself I showed myself to be suitably impressed by his burst of grass cutting energy, and agreed to get the food going. I even managed to make some of our favorite cannellini bean dip with lemon, garlic, and rosemary, as well as some black bean salad with corn, red peppers, and cilantro. Yum, I like those beans -- and they make for great baby bird snacks later that are full of the protein and fiber I so desperately need these days! Finally, I spiced up the burger meat and DH threw it on the grill. 

Dinner was delectable, but since I had been so lazy all afternoon, I sort of got a late start. This mattered mostly because we had wanted to meet our friends 2l and Starman, plus their dog Mr. Shnubbins at a nearby beach from where we wanted to view the fireworks. But by the time we had finally eaten and put away the leftovers, it was very late. So we ran out the house in great haste, but we made it to the beach on time. 2l and Starman had already been camping out there for a while and had saved us a spot, so all we needed to do was settle in. They even brought water bottles and cookies for the humans, as well as  doggie water and treats for Mr. Shnubbins and BJ. It was awesome!

That spot on the beach is fabulous for fireworks-watching for several reasons. First, it is nowhere near as crowded as the main beach from the which the fireworks are set off. Second, it is easier to sneak in the doggies, as well. Third, you have a really nice panorama of the overall bay that includes unobstructed views of various neighboring fireworks. So we got quite the show, as we enjoyed the refreshing evening breeze and watched the lovely fireworks. 

It was a nice ending to a nice day. Even if needed to rest quite a bit, I still got a bunch of things done and even managed to go out to see the fireworks. Hey, I even carried two camping chairs, while having the dog on the leash from where DH had to drop me off because the road was closed all the way to the beach. Then I scaled a railing that pretty high, after I had lifted the doggie and chairs over to 2l and Ken who were waiting the other side. Calisthenics in the evening! On the way back, though, I let DH be the mule and carry the chairs... I've got my limits, after all. 

So now I'm wired, and waiting for the Ativan to kick in and quiet down the energy from the steroids. You've gotta love the decadron for its anti-nausea properties and the energy it gives, but I also hate it at the same time for the sleep problems it causes me. The flushed face I don't mind, as it gives me that 'healthy' glow ... but I do need my sleep in the long run. 

Tired, but otherwise better

Today I felt really tired, as I had not slept that well thanks to the decadron. I suppose it is meant to give me energy and prevent nausea. While it may have done the latter, it did not really do the former. Or at least any energy it gave me was negated by the lack of continuous sleep. I couldn't even sneak in a nap in the daytime. 

So I just took it easy all day long, watching lots of netflix movies and hanging out lazily. Luckily, I had no nausea issues, though, as I kept faithfully eating ever few hours, like a baby bird, even though DH was at work and I thus had to fetch my own food from the fridge. That much I managed, at least! Oh, and I gave myself the Neulasta shot, too. No problems there.

Due to all the rest, this evening I feel quite a bit better. It was fairly warm and sunny again today, so I couldn't really go out into the back yard much (due to drug-induced photosensitivity). This evening, however, after the sun started going down, DH, BJ and I went on a nice long walk. The air had cooled down nicely, which made for a very pleasant and long walk for the three of us. Now that's much better!

Overall, though, I made the right choice not going to Buffalo for my friend's wedding today, I think, even though I'm sad I couldn't be there. But it would just have been more than I could take, and would have exposed me to all kinds of germs when my immune system is the most vulnerable. Despite my absence, though, my thoughts were with Carolyn and Mark as they became husband and wife today. May your love continue to grow and flourish and may all your dreams come true!!!

Round Three!

As I am writing this, I am once again sitting in a recliner at the Cancer Center with the first round of saline going into my veins. This time, the needle going into the port hurt quite a bit more than it previously had. Also, the nurse (a new one, not my usual nurse L) said that the port moved when she tried to access it. The stupid thing had been bothering me the past two days, as it had been hurting for no apparent reasons. Sometimes when I'd lift my arm, sometimes when I didn't even think I had moved. I couldn't sleep on that side last night, either, as it felt uncomfortable. So I am left with the vague feeling that something is funky about the port -- and hoping that it will not affect port function. After all, the poison cocktail they will shortly inject into my body will do very serious damage if it leaks into tissues. It MUST NEVER be injected into anything but the bloodstream, as it as a cell poison! So let's all keep our fingers crossed...

I think I'll watch some Netflix now, to take my mind off the port issue and the poisons to come. The treatment room was once again running late, so I have already read three quarters of a little booklet on "Senior Moments" -- so I'll feel less bad about my chemo-brain induced memory lapses. In the meantime, DH  is once again setting next to me. This time, he's keeping himself entertained by playing with his latest gadget, an iPod touch. Boys & toys...

Luckily, it appears that the port is working. The nurse just finished pushing in my adriamycin as I savored my Klondike bars, and now the cytoxan is gradually dripping in. Then I'll get a chaser of saline, as well as a heparin flush and chemo round three will be done. Take that, TNBC!!!

More later when I'm back home.

Update:

It's past nine p.m. and I'm at home resting. For some reason, this third round of AC has wiped me out more than the previous ones. Cumulative effects, perhaps? So I'm tired (although the decadron keeps me up), and teetering on the edge of nausea. I didn't even really want to eat dinner, which could have been a consequence of eating one and a half Klondike bars this afternoon, plus some pretzels, and chugging down half a cup of decaf and half a yoghurt drink. Oh well, I forced myself to eat a bit (some of the yummy unstuffed artichoke A. made for me), which should help. I just feel very fragile this time around, much more so than for the first two rounds. But it'll get better. I've just got to get some rest.

Plus, this round should have kicked some more cancer butt! And that is a very, very, very good thing. All of you little poison molecules, please course all throughout my body and seek out those nasty little cancer cells. When you find them, have no mercy -- just kill them, kill them good. Because I'm mad at that cancer and I want it dead. It can never, ever come back. So seek it out, my good poison, and let the cancer know that it is not welcome here... Ha, how's that for fighting spirit?!

Almost time for round three...

It's Wednesday night, which means that tomorrow afternoon I will be taking my next poison cocktail -- straight to the heart. Another way I like to think about this is that by this time tomorrow, I will have made it through a whopping three quarters of the AC part of the chemo. So I'll be three quarters done with half of my chemo. That means I'll be done with a total of 3/8 of my chemo. Wait -- did you realize that seven out of five people do not understand fractions?! Think about that: seven out of five!!! Get it? Anyway, what I'm really trying to say is that I'm making progress on the chemo front. Take that, cancer!

I had a nice day today that included two extended walks with the doggie, as well as a visit from my friend A. who was sweet enough to keep me company for the afternoon, as well as to bring me some flowers from her garden, and some food to feel the little baby bird I'll once again turn into tomorrow. I really enjoyed her company, as well as the flowers and food she brought. So I had a nice day today. 

Thus I am all set for round three. The chemo is scheduled, the Neulasta is sitting in the fridge, waiting for me to adminiter it on Friday, and DH is set to take me in to the Cancer Center tomorrow. We're all good to go. Watch out cancer, here I come for another round -- and I think I just may be winning...