I may not be lucky in that I got cancer so young, but I sure am lucky in how loving and supportive people around me have been. It's so sweet: my parents-in-law sent me a beautiful flower arrangement; my friends, who had already given me the thoughtful gift of a netflix subscription, sent a gorgeous azalea; yesterday, my neighbors sent over a big fruit basket. People I work with have been emailing to wish me a speedy recovery or to hear how I'm doing. I feel truly blessed that so many people care about and support me. I tell you, I'm one lucky girl...
My recovery has been going well so far. I don't feel half bad for a girl with cancer and only one boob! Yesterday I even got adventuresome enough that I ventured out to a local park, which only allows doggies within its confines once a year. It was a beautiful sunny day, and I really wanted to have some fresh air and see the doggies all over the park.
So we packed ourselves, my mom, our doggie, plus a wheelchair we rented for the week (just in case I punk out) and headed off to the park. There we met 2l, K & B and ambled across the beautiful grounds. It was a gorgeous day, and of course, I walked about far more than I should have (fewer paths than anticipated were wheelchair friendly, unfortunately). I very much enjoyed the trip, but before long I was so tired and just wanted to be back in my bed. That is pretty much where I spent the rest of my day, popping pain pills as soon as I was allowed to.
The big lesson I learned, however, is not that I shouldn't overdo it (I knew that one already, yet ignore it on a regular basis). Rather, I figured out that I need to do more of this: get up, dress up, put on some makeup, drop in my falsie (or "port-a-boobie" as I like to call it), and get OUT. I shouldn't be hiding right now, but I need to do stuff -- almost as if I were still 'normal' (well, or as close to "normal" as I ever got...).
Yes, there is a war going on inside my body. It is none of my choosing, but I choose to fight it. And oddly, part of the fight is choosing to also have as much normalcy in my life as is possible. I am sure this will get harder and harder as I get into treatments. Nonetheless, I need hang on to some normalcy, even if I will never get to be as normal as before again. But then I at least want to be my new normal self and not have to worry -- but simply enjoy the moment.
Nowadays I do appreciate those simple, everyday moments a lot more than I previously did. The little white and purple violet by the wayside; DH's boyish smile as he tells a silly joke, the mischievous look of the dog as he pushes his ball upon me, the kindness of friends who want to hear how I'm feeling.
I am also realizing that there is so much truth to the old adage "fake it 'til you make it." In a really odd way, getting dressed and made up, and putting in my port-a-boobie makes me feel more like my old self because it helps me look more like my old self. Surprisingly, the other thing I didn't realize the mastectomy would do to me is throw me off balance so much. My body has trouble balancing itself with the weight gone from the one side. No my boob never was that big, but surprisingly (at least to me), the body's whole balance changed once it was gone. I literally feel lop-sided and unbalanced. Yet by putting that little PAB in my cami, I can much more easily find my old balance. So even if it's just DH, my mom, the doggie, and myself looking at me for the most part, I feel the need to make my self whole at least visually. The psyche is a strange thing, ain't it? But I figure, why not if it helps me recover...
So with work obligations suspended for the time being, I had a leisurely day today. My main achievement of the day was to apply my new "fake it 'til you make it" philosophy to this blog, and to my spiffy new netbook. I know they're both only things that ultimately don't mean much, but I have the urge to make them look prettier and more joyful, to cheer up not just myself but also others.
As you probably noticed by now, the blog now has a much brighter and more floral feel and look. I chose this template because it is a surprisingly good match for the skins I got for my spiffy new netbook. It's the one I received for my birthday last so I can take it just about anywhere (including the chemo suite, when they start to systematically poison me within an inch of my life!) and surf the web, post to this blog, email or IM with friends, or do any of the other things that can be done with spiffy little netbooks. So that little netbook is sort of my lifeline to the outside world, and I wanted it to be pretty, and happy, and floral and full of life, and cheerful. So I picked these purple floral skins to customize its pearlescent white exterior, and I chose this template because it so reminds me of the netbook skins. They're both really pretty, and I am all about enjoying the good things in life right now, because I am so grateful for them. So call me superficial if you must, but I'm faking the looks until I make it all the way on the inside -- and I'm not even ashamed of it!
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