Some sleep, finally -- and what they never told me about having a mastectomy...

Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh -- finally I got some good sleep again. With the noise and commotion of the hospital night left behind at the hospital, I finally managed to get in a few hours of good sleep. One of the MANY reasons why coming home is such a good thing. What a relief to get good sleep again, even if I wake up every four hours when my pain pills run out. The pain is sort of a built-in alarm clock, I suppose... but hey, I'll take a four hour block of good sleep anytime I can!

As for the mastectomy, I thought I had pretty good information on what to expect. The pain, the feeling of fullness, etc. However, my experience was much different from what I had anticipated. The fullness feeling never materialized, as they couldn't fill my tissue expander as they planned to. The first addition of saline will have to wait for next Friday (which is when they plan to remove the surgical drain, as well).

This has left me really lop-sided, which is the one thing I had really, REALLY hoped to avoid... As expected, it's been a pretty serious blow to my self-image. It's really hard to face a body-length mirror right now...

But by *FAR* the worst part of my mastectomy experience has been something nobody really warned me about: MUSCLE SPASMS! I first noticed them immediately after I woke up from surgery -- and they have been with me ever since... It's kinda hard to describe them, but it sort of feels like an electrical firestorm that causes the muscles to misfire and quiver uncontrollably, almost like a charley horse, except they're strong enough that I can feel the muscle fibers twitch when I put my hand on it. They sort of travel around both my left and right sides, at different times affecting the biceps, triceps,deltoids, pecs, lats, or even the muscle between my thumbs and index finger. It's quite uncomfortable, and at first I couldn't relax those muscles at all. Now that I'm more awake and more in control of my body again, I'm gradually learning to consciously relax my shoulders a bit more. But they're still quite annoying. Hopefully that'll go away soon! Yikes, not much fun at all...

I'm also still experiencing numbness in the first three fingers of my right hand. But at least it's progressed enough that typing (even on the small keyboard of my nifty new netbook, which I am working on right now) is much easier. I can feel that tingling numb sensation yet in those fingers, but they're a bit less swollen and obey commands more efficiently than yesterday. It's strange how happy even small improvements can make me! I guess one of the main things such experiences teach me is humility and gratefulness for the kind of bodycontrol I used to take for granted before.

I am SO glad to be back home again! As for the rest, I am still learning how to grow into and accept my new amazon body... but in due time I will figure it all out, I hope.