Balancing act

I suppose life is always a balancing act, but life during chemo requires even more balancing than life normally does. As I am finding out, during chemo even the simple act of eating may require considerable balancing. Although I had been doing better for the past day or two, today my digestive system started acting up again. This time I'm not even sure why. I hadn't taken any more medications, things had settled down, so I thought I was home free for this round. But noooooo, of course not. It started all over again. Ugh. So this time I am trying to be better and not eat bland foods plus a modicum of stuff I actually have an appetite for, but just bland foods until I'm reasonably sure things are back to 'normal' -- whatever that may be these days.

Still, overall I am feeling better than I did yesterday. Not even a nasty thunderstorm front that barrelled through our area overnight could change that. It was so nasty and so close that the first flash and thunder that woke me from a fitful sleep at midnight came almost instantaneously. Honestly, I thought the lightening had struck the house across the street where our elderly (and unfortunately also increasingly demented -- it's heartbreaking) neighbor lives. Luckily, it just sounded as thought lightening struck, but the storm was fierce and accompanied both by copious amounts of rain (2.3 inches according to our rain gauge), and judging from the noise also by hail. The dog got quite apprehensive, the poor thing, and couldn't understand why I wasn't worried. I did get up to close the windows, but otherwise the storm bothered me little. I even fell back asleep before it was all over -- and all without Ativan or other chemical helpers!

In a way, I think I have my cancer diagnosis to thank for that. I used to have lots of trouble sleeping, as my overactive mind worried about all sort of things: professional issues, personal issues, health issues. Oddly, however, since my diagnosis I have generally slept much better than I have in years (with the exception of those sleepless nights thanks to decadron, of course). Once some of my worst fears had come true, there didn't seem to be much of a point to worrying about most things. It is strangely freeing, but for a girl with cancer I believe I worry remarkably little. More so than anything, I have once again learned to simply be, to just exist. It is what helps me deal with the sad fact that at this time when I was supposed to be happy and pregnant I am instead fighting chemo-induced nausea and other health issues. So I have learned to find a healthier balance between the now and the future. I am grateful for that -- because at least for right now, I get to live.