Bit the bullet!

As I have told you these last few entries, my hair has started falling out -- and that process has been rapidly accelerating. Last night the "fallout" was so great that it started bothering me as I felt my hair slip down my shoulders and glide down my arms. So I decided that today was the day to let go of my hair. DH was nervous to cut it all off for fear of hurting me, but with a variety of tools and a common effort we did the deed. We shaved my head entirely! So I am free from falling hairs now (well, at least the ones off my head...). Yay.

It was simply time to let go as it was going to happen anyways. And this way the exact timing at least had some element of choice for me. Actually, I found it much easier to let go of my hair than I thought I might. Secretly I had feared that I may have a few emotional moments as it came off. But instead, I found the process to be strangely freeing as I had become self-conscious about the the trail of hair I was leaving behind. Come on, how can a girl shed more than the dog! That's just not right. 

Plus, I was glad that I had previously shortened my originally longer do to a pixie cut. Still, since I have (or should I say "had"?) very thick and very dense hair, it was quite a bit of work to take it all off. DH had to utilize various hair scissors, clippers, and finally his trusty electric razor to get it all done to a fairly smooth bald pate. It actually took us most of the morning to get me suitably bald on top.

As the hair came down, I noticed how much greyer my hair was than it was just a few months ago. Cancer and chemo are rather strange things that I imagine are even stranger for younger women than for older ones. In a rather odd way, it puts your life and your body in a bizarre fast-forward mode where you age more quickly than you normally would. Not only does a cancer patient, and particularly one who has TNBC, face the prospect of a considerably shortened life span, but the aggressive treatment also puts a girl's body through the paces. Those five surgeries in two and a half months have taken their toll. I am no longer the active woman who was a in pretty good shape for her thirty-nine years of age that  I was just a few months ago. I am a much weaker, less toned, and markedly scarred version of myself that is now bald,  as well. 

Still, the hair loss wasn't that bad, since unlike the scars its effects will not be permanent. Plus, I was relieved to find out that while my skull is kind of squared off and almost angular, there are no really weird bumps or patches or birthmarks that are now glaring of my bald pate. I certainly look very different, but not in an extra bizarre way -- if that makes any sense. In a way, it actually looks kinda cute -- particularly with big earrings and some makeup, I would think. I'll have to try that out sometime.

With the hair gone, I also got to play around with my wig and the various head coverings a bit more. I have amassed a little collection already and now got to try it out for the true fit. The coverings my mom made for me worked beautifully. I'll have to make some more out of the remainder of the fabrics we bought together.

Also, I like my wig a lot better now that my own hair is gone. I had grown concerned that the wig was too small/tight on my head and would give me a headache. However, with my thick tresses gone, the fit was much, much better -- so much so that for trial purposes I wore it most of the afternoon without experiencing too much discomfort. DH even convinced me to go to the grocery store with him, which I did. I didn't feel one bit self-conscious about the wig. Now I'll just have to go back to my hairdresser and have her shorten the bangs for me a little bit.

Also, I am still awaiting delivery of the second wig (in a hairstyle and color a bit closer to how I have recently worn my hair). Once that comes in, I'll actually have to different hairstyles to choose from. This could be kind of fun. But when it gets warmer, and around the house, I am starting to find that going bald may be the best way to go. Still, for work I think it will be much more appropriate to wear a wig, so it'll be good to have some decent ones.  

So that's my big news for the day. The TNBC details will have to wait for another day. But first I've got to get some more rest. The one half Ativan I took last night helped me to one and half more hours of sleep than the night before. So tonight I got daring and took a whole tablet. Hopefully this will get me even more rest that will do for a good night's sleep. So I'll sign off now, glad that the bullet has been bitten -- and once again it wasn't as difficult as it might have been. This is yet another thing for which I can be grateful today. I told you I was a lucky girl...!